24 and full of life

The last time I had a birthday party was when I turned 7 years old. I remember running around the house with a toy gun and shooting people in the face… twice. Or maybe not. I was a bad kid though, so I wouldn’t put it past me. 

Remember: 24 seconds is a full shot clock. 24 hours is a full day. And I’m 24 years old and full of life. Thank you to everyone who celebrated this special day with me. It meant so much because it was out of my personal ordinary. Dinner and drinks with family and friends, listening to Pursuit of Happiness while holding a bottle of Hennessy, and missing my flight to Little Rock the next morning… you can’t beat that. One last thing – I share my birthday with John Legend and Denzel Washington. Oh I’m fancy huh? Thank you again and Happy New Year.

Signing off from Atlanta

Can I get a little action before my flight?

 

Yes, that is correct. I bring you this blog post from inside a Virgin… America plane, that is. I thought it would be a lot tighter, but it’s actually quite spacious. That’s what I get for being a Southwest flyer, lower standards when it comes to comfort. You might be wondering, “why all of a sudden in-appro-pro? This language isn’t consistent with your previous blog posts, sir duke!” Straight to the point – it’s because they did it to me first, man. They did it to me first.

Now we all know before going through airport security, we gotta put-out a little bit and strip. Take those shoes off, unbuckle that belt, remove the jacket, and let them check your goodies. The next step however, was a bit foreign to me. This was my first time at the Dulles airport and the TSA had also recently implemented new security measures that allowed for them to be more… what’s the word… SENSUAL? I walked in front of the scanner and was told to lift up my arms and throw up the delta sign. I was like, nah… I’ll throw up the Roc symbol instead. Quite fitting, since the Roc Boyz had been my anthem for the past couple of months. But NOPE! Old girl tells me, “Excuse me sir, I need you to put your hands up like THIS!" (Forms a triangle with her thumbs and index fingers). I was laughing inside. Wow lady. Fine. Take a chill pill.

Just when I thought the fun was over, old dude was waiting for me at the end of the assembly line (with a smile he couldn’t hold in). “Good evening sir. I’ll be patting you down, starting from your knee and up your leg, until I reach your torso.” Alright. That’s cool. No biggie. I’ve been patted down before. But NAH-UH homie! This wasn’t your Friday-night-casual-pat-down-before-entering-the-club kind of pat down. This was RAW. Old dude literally made a ring around my knee and tightly worked his way up, as if his hands were a VAGINA giving birth to the rest of my leg.

Upper thigh. Ok, we’re good right? NOPE! I’ve played enough violent video games to know where the torso begins. So I thought to myself, “Oh god.” Old dude had his hands on me till he hit the crotch of my jeans, and then he finished it off with a little upward tug. I couldn’t help but shake my head and smile out loud (is that possible?). Thank goodness I still sag my jeans a little bit. Imagine if Peter Pan had been flexing his muscles? Just sayin’. This ain’t high school when it would've just pointed straight out because of my baggy jeans. You could've lost an eye, man.  This is the era of slim jeans SON! It would’ve been snuggled down next to my thigh... Is the awkwardness over? NOPE, it doesn’t stop here.

“Alright sir. Now if you could just turn around, we’d like to check out your backside.” Could he have chosen better words? So of course, I turn around and he does the same exact thing… but to the same leg! He makes a ring around my knee and tightly works his way up my thigh. That upward tug was VERY uncomfortable. Could he have gotten any closer to my mistletoe? Sigh. And now my left leg feels lonely, but it’s cool. Security checkpoint passed. I turn around to see old dude trying to hold in his laugh like it was a hiccup. I give him a smirk, shook my head, and asked him, “Long day?”… He tilts his head, sighs, and replies, “yeah man.”

Thank you TSA Officer. That is the most action I’ve gotten in months. I feel like we know each other THIS much better. To top things off, the inside of the plane looks like they’re scanning for some type of residue. Makes you wonder how many people became members of the Mile High Club up in this piece. Just sayin’.  

 

Even Huey Freeman cries sometimes

“I’ve never prayed before. I don’t even know who I’m praying to. Maybe I’m too young to know what the world is supposed to be. But it’s not supposed to be this. Can’t be this. So please…” – Huey Freeman

We are different people when we are by ourselves. Even Huey has cried and prayed. Who would have known? And with that… I am more than what you see. I will greet you with a smile and a hug or a personal handshake – and I would MEAN it. I will ask you how your day is. I will ask you to rank it from 0 to 10 or maybe even ask you what song best describes how your day is going – and I would GENUINELY want to know. And if the conversation gets past the surface and you share any concerns or troubles you may have, I will LISTEN. And if you ask me, I will give you the best advice I can. You could think that I’m just a robot programmed to look at life in the best possible light. But if you dig deep enough, you’ll know that I am more than what you see.

Behind every squinty-eyed smile are the tears that made my eyes burn and the hours spent in bed looking up at the ceiling. My smile is more than just a flex of a muscle, it involves overcoming the scenes I replay in my mind that I wish to have back and the scenes I replay that I wish to escape. Behind every hug are the many warm hugs I took for granted and the sleepless nights I spent asking God how things will eventually turn out. I just want to know. Behind every laugh are the disappointments I hope to never experience again and the regrets I need to let go. And behind every advice is the strength I’ve developed to get myself out of the house and be that person you see.

Shit. Even I am more than what I see. I see a man confused and will often go with the flow. A man that gives advice that even HE has a hard time following. A man who wants to put his career on hold to develop hobbies and skills that he may never even use for THAT dream job. A man who wants to get away from politics and social justice despite being molded by his experiences to address that very type of work. A man who wants to focus on his life outside of the 9-5 work hours so that it doesn’t define who he is. A man who is reluctant to consider a permanent position and is willing to starve to stay in DC. A man who is willing to give up a stable paycheck to recapture his creativity and be an entrepreneur. A man who gave up the most important comfort zones he’s ever had in his life to be accountable to himself, and himself only. And now the world sarcastically tells him “good job”.

Good decisions, bad decisions. I’ve made them both. But it’s ok. The best decisions are the ones we’ve already made.* And yes, I have made the best decisions. We just have to own up to it, face the consequences, and move forward in the healthiest way possible. And for me, it is to stay as positive as I can and be that person you see.

But it's EXHAUSTING to stay positive ALL THE TIME.  It requires a long process of confronting my fears, insecurities, regrets, and the uncertainties of life. However, it's a necessary evil to get to where I want to be. I don’t know if I’m there. Or if I’m even close to it. But I do know that I’m going in the right direction. I’m not sure how I know this, but I feel it. Some days, I just leave it to FAITH and say ‘I believe in it’:

You shouldn’t let yourself sink deeper in distress… just let the world go round.

*A.Lomeli

The show begins. The show goes on.

[THE SHOW BEGINS]

When I was in middle school, I scanned through all the camcorders in the Best Buy ads. I wanted to buy one SO badly but it was unaffordable. When I finally had enough money in college, I still wanted to buy one, but never actually knew what to film. By this time, college had drained the imagination and creativity out of me. Sad. I know. And then in May 2008, I saw Lupe Fiasco’s Superstar video for the first time. Within the next hour, I bought a $400 video camera. Creative juices circa middle school began to flow once again (random fact: I was voted Most Creative in our 8^th grade yearbook). My goal? To engage, cultivate, and inspire young students. I went to New Orleans that summer to teach 6^th grade math and science. And if I was the best teacher I could be, then my students learned to do the following:

(1) identify the number of valence electrons in an atom and draw an electron dot diagram

(2) find the mean, median, and mode of a data set to test and inquire about potential and kinetic energy

(3) convert fractions into decimals to better compare the densities of different objects

(4) use substitution skills in two variable equations and apply it to Newton’s second law of motion (F = ma)

(5) add/subtract integers to analyze force body diagrams by determining an objects net force and direction

But of course, if I were to exceed my own expectations, not only would they learn what I listed above, but they would also be proud of everything they did. They would be able to look back at that summer and confidently say, “yes, I did that”. They would realize that at the end of the program, there was a reason for learning everything we did – and it was called the Final Exam. Just kidding. That was harsh. In addition to the exam, we had our MUSIC VIDEO:

Being involved in the production process showed my students the positive educational benefits of music videos

[THE SHOW GOES ON]

This past week, I had meetings with an Early Childhood Education expert and an Elections guru, who advised me in my short-term job search and my long-term career development. Simply put, do what I love and the rest will follow. Easier said than done, as my funds are gradually depleting. They were right about this though – I need to stop living five years in the future and do what I enjoy NOW. And then I heard Lupe Fiasco’s newest single on Pandora a few days later. The lyrics to The Show Goes On reinforces their advice:

“One in the air for the people that ain’t here. Two in the air for the father that’s there.

Three in the air for the kids in the ghetto. Four for the kids who don’t wanna be there.

None for the n-ggas trying to hold them back. Five in the air for the teachers not scared,

To tell those kids that’s living in the ghetto that the n-ggas holdin back that the World is theirs!”

I shall once again refer back to my first blog post: am I mistaking coincidence for fate, and exaggerating the meaning of the moment? Is this a sign to give teaching another chance? Or at least work directly with young students at this stage in my career? This could be another opportunity to take my creativity to new heights. We shall see. I’ll keep you all updated on my Lupe-Inspired creativity in my Cudi-Inspired blog. Peace and enjoy this link: Lupe Fiasco - The Show Goes On

Sleepless in Seattle and Dormir-less in DC

You GOTTA keep the alliteration! It is a MUST. Marooned in Miami. Disappointed in Denver. Sleepless in Seattle. I make this movie reference for two reasons: (1) It’s one of my Mama’s favorite movies and I tend to watch it as the holiday season approaches. Yes. I just recently watched it. (2) I really CAN’T sleep and it’s physically wearing me down. Help?

(1) Sleepless in Seattle

We rented this movie on laser disc when I still lived in the Philippines. Remember those things? It looked like a CD but only 10 times bigger and 5 pounds heavier. I was more worried about dropping and chipping the damn thing than I was worried about scratching it. Hideous, but it was definitely ahead of its time. The movie came out in June ‘93, so I’m assuming I watched it with my Mama in ‘94 – the year that I left her for the U.S.

Unlike millions of people who watched the movie, it wasn’t about the love story for me. Of course, it wasn’t – I was a kid. To me it was about Jonah Baldwin, a young child who just lost his mother to cancer. He and his dad moved to Seattle to start their new lives and eventually, he goes on a mission to find a new mom.

My mission was NEVER to find a new mom (easy for me to say, God rest your mother’s soul Jonah). I held on to the one I HAD and LOVED even though we were 7,300 miles apart and 13 years away from being with each other. We’ve always been physically separated in some way. After the age of 7, we were on opposites sides of the Pacific Ocean. In college, I was in the Bay Area and she was in southern California. And as I start my professional career, we’re now on opposite sides of the country. As far back as I can remember, I’ve always had this feeling of missing her. I’m used to it. But hey, not many people can feel their mother’s love as much as I can. And I’m blessed for that. Despite the distance and time, it’s amazing how similar we are in humor, habits, and mindset. AMAZING. As I watch this movie now, I don’t long to see my Mama in the same way. I KNOW when I’ll see her – I’ll be home for Christmas. But back then, I had no idea. Next year? 2 years from now? 3? 4? 5? We no longer have the immigration, nor the $1000-plane-ticket barrier to see each other. She’s here now (in Amurricuh) and we’re becoming best friends =) … Oh yeah, Jonah found a new mom. Check Sleepless and Seattle out on Netflix, currently available for online streaming.

(2) Dormir-less in DC

I’ve been having a really hard time sleeping. I don’t know what it is. Or maybe I do… I moved to DC at the end of January, yet my sleep schedule is still on Cali time. All I know is that sleeping between 2-4 AM every night is not healthy. I don’t appreciate saying good morning to the bags under my eyes as they travel further south. Or seeing the two gray hairs that taunt me as I stare at the bathroom mirror. Or the extra wrinkles I see on my face on tagged Facebook pictures. Not cool. And I know funemployment isn’t the reason for my insomnia, as I did the same thing while I was working.

I tried thinking about what used to help me sleep on time, and sleep so well. But it only made me think more and sleep less. Let’s not go down that route, especially if I can’t do anything about it. I have a very limited time to get my shit together. Can I do it? I WILL do it. Am I stressed out? Of course not. There’s ONE very important reason that I refuse to stress, which I will share soon enough.

For now, I think I’ll just try to dose off  to “Bye Bye Blackbird”. Jonah’s mother used to sing that to him when he had nightmares. Interesting fact: I used to be in chorus in 5^th and 6^th grade, and we sang that song. I was a soprano at the time and I even had a solo! “No one here can love or understand me. Oh what hard luck stories they all hand me.”… (Make my bed and light the light. I’ll arrive. Late tonight. Blackbird, bye bye). Good times. And I may just have to try the one-glass-of-red-wine-a-night method. Any other night-cap ideas? BBQ-Ribs-induced-Itis perhaps?  

And for all you CAPRICORNS out there, here is our daily horoscope. Very fitting:

If you find yourself tired and irritable now, Capricorn, you should know that this is normal. You may have had a few months that were a little too studious (yeZZir!). Would you like to continue with the same rhythm? Be careful that your ambitions don’t lead you to physical exhaustion. If you get sick, you will be even more frustrated. So be wise and take care of your own basic needs.