“I’ve never prayed before. I don’t even know who I’m praying to. Maybe I’m too young to know what the world is supposed to be. But it’s not supposed to be this. Can’t be this. So please…” – Huey Freeman
We are different people when we are by ourselves. Even Huey has cried and prayed. Who would have known? And with that… I am more than what you see. I will greet you with a smile and a hug or a personal handshake – and I would MEAN it. I will ask you how your day is. I will ask you to rank it from 0 to 10 or maybe even ask you what song best describes how your day is going – and I would GENUINELY want to know. And if the conversation gets past the surface and you share any concerns or troubles you may have, I will LISTEN. And if you ask me, I will give you the best advice I can. You could think that I’m just a robot programmed to look at life in the best possible light. But if you dig deep enough, you’ll know that I am more than what you see.
Behind every squinty-eyed smile are the tears that made my eyes burn and the hours spent in bed looking up at the ceiling. My smile is more than just a flex of a muscle, it involves overcoming the scenes I replay in my mind that I wish to have back and the scenes I replay that I wish to escape. Behind every hug are the many warm hugs I took for granted and the sleepless nights I spent asking God how things will eventually turn out. I just want to know. Behind every laugh are the disappointments I hope to never experience again and the regrets I need to let go. And behind every advice is the strength I’ve developed to get myself out of the house and be that person you see.
Shit. Even I am more than what I see. I see a man confused and will often go with the flow. A man that gives advice that even HE has a hard time following. A man who wants to put his career on hold to develop hobbies and skills that he may never even use for THAT dream job. A man who wants to get away from politics and social justice despite being molded by his experiences to address that very type of work. A man who wants to focus on his life outside of the 9-5 work hours so that it doesn’t define who he is. A man who is reluctant to consider a permanent position and is willing to starve to stay in DC. A man who is willing to give up a stable paycheck to recapture his creativity and be an entrepreneur. A man who gave up the most important comfort zones he’s ever had in his life to be accountable to himself, and himself only. And now the world sarcastically tells him “good job”.
Good decisions, bad decisions. I’ve made them both. But it’s ok. The best decisions are the ones we’ve already made.* And yes, I have made the best decisions. We just have to own up to it, face the consequences, and move forward in the healthiest way possible. And for me, it is to stay as positive as I can and be that person you see.
But it's EXHAUSTING to stay positive ALL THE TIME. It requires a long process of confronting my fears, insecurities, regrets, and the uncertainties of life. However, it's a necessary evil to get to where I want to be. I don’t know if I’m there. Or if I’m even close to it. But I do know that I’m going in the right direction. I’m not sure how I know this, but I feel it. Some days, I just leave it to FAITH and say ‘I believe in it’:
You shouldn’t let yourself sink deeper in distress… just let the world go round.
*A.Lomeli
No comments:
Post a Comment